Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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