the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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