If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
