So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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