I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
