So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
