Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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