WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
