Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
