He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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