Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
accomplished twins. life is a go
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
