i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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