Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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