he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
pray to the hookup gods
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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