turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
