Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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