just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
