FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
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