took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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