A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
