So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
