I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
