I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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