i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
