you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
