he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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