Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
