There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
