she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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