I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize