Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
