i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
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She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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