I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
