Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
