He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
