he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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