I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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