I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is the high leading the old right now
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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