I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
