too bad you live with your parents still
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
