I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
