I hope mine doesn't look like that
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
