Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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