Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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