I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
