margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
