i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
