well I can't set my house on fire every night
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
