# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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