The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
