I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
