Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
