did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
