You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
